Our world today often runs a “Father Deficit Culture” where we spend little quality time with our children. Sure, we may have dinner with our children. Sure, we may drive them to school. Sure, we may watch TV with them or play a computer game with them. But do fathers add value with their children as human beings?
Fathers, I am not talking about what fathers do in a functional capacity. Rather, do fathers add skills, attitudes, values, wisdom, experience, and spirituality that would make our children into more integrated human beings?
There are indicators that show us our lack of attention as parents. These factors and signs are not a reflection of our children’s inability, but rather of what our parenting style is not doing. As our children grow, our parenting styles need to change. Not just based on what we think. We need to listen to where our children are. What subtle cues show us what our children need? Do we notice them each day? Do we get down to their level and tune into where they are at? We can presume that they are okay. Often, silence is an indicator too. But maybe, if we are the ones doing all the talking, we should stop talking and just notice and listen? Listen to our children as human beings. Not just as human doings.
But, of course, school and work go back after the holidays or the weekend, and we lose a sense of this. A sense of priority for our children. Work becomes more important. Our entertainment becomes more important. Or maybe we use entertainment as a means of parenting. Fathers need to be more involved. Our addiction to our routines may mask the reality that we are not spending quality time with our children. But remember, this is not just what we think needs to happen in a functionality capacity. We must tune into where they are at.
Because we have a “father deficit culture”, we need to aim at one thing we can “Be” but many. Notice I did not use the word “Do”. “Be” refers to the notion of “human being”. These include our human experience, our human wisdom, our human skills, and spirituality. Maybe our aim is to implement at least 10 ways of being with our children each day. Write them down like a list in our notebook.
Some activities you might consider
Cook a meal together – Teach practical skills, share family recipes, and create memories.
Go for nature walks or hikes – Experience the beauty of creation and practice mindfulness.
Read and discuss a book – Choose stories that spark curiosity or teach life lessons.
Volunteer for a community service project – Model compassion and service to others.
Practice a hobby or craft (woodworking, painting, music, etc.) – Pass on skills and encourage creativity.
Have open conversations about feelings and challenges – Foster emotional intelligence and trust.
Plan and plant a garden – Learn about growth, patience, and caring for the earth.
Attend a place of worship or spiritual gathering together – Share and explore faith traditions.
Share family stories and memories – Connect children with their heritage and identity.
Teach basic life skills (budgeting, car maintenance, sewing, etc.) – Prepare them for independence.
Practice meditation or prayer – Develop spiritual awareness and inner peace.
Work on a puzzle or play strategy games – Sharpen problem-solving and teamwork skills.
Write letters to future selves or to each other – Encourage reflection and communication.
Set and review personal or family goals – Teach planning, accountability, and growth.
Learn a new skill together (language, instrument, sport) – Embrace lifelong learning.
Watch and discuss thought-provoking movies – Explore values, dilemmas, and perspectives.
Create a gratitude journal or jar – Cultivate thankfulness and positive outlook.
Play together
We need a radical way to shape how our children are becoming. To change the “father deficit culture”, we must change ourselves. A radical transformation of who we are as fathers, becoming “human beings”. This is a process. Human beings who seek to focus our attention on our relationships. With those we recognise as most important. So that in the end, the “father deficit culture” becomes the “Father relationship culture”.
Questions for Further Journalling and Reflection for Fathers:
In what ways do I currently add value to my child's life beyond functional responsibilities?
How often do I intentionally listen to my children without offering solutions or advice?
What subtle cues have I noticed recently about what my children need emotionally or spiritually?
How can I prioritize my relationship with my children in the midst of work and daily routines?
Are there ways I can model the values and wisdom I hope my children will develop?
When was the last time I reflected on my own growth as a father and a human being?
What is one step I can take this week to move from a 'father deficit' to a 'father relationship' culture in my home?
Pause and Discuss
Now Listen to the song “Father and Son” by Cat Stevens
Final Prayer
Heavenly Father, we thank you for the gift and responsibility of fatherhood. Help us to move beyond routines and simply doing, to truly being present with our children—listening, nurturing, and guiding them with wisdom, compassion, and love. Transform our hearts so we can model the values we hope to see in our families, and give us the courage to break free from the patterns of a father deficit culture. May our relationships with our children be marked by presence, understanding, and grace, so that they may grow into whole and flourishing human beings. Amen.
(Audio Available)
